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Today I celebrate the goodness of God in granting me 16 years of marriage with Michele.  What an amazing gift of His love she has been to me through thick and thin.

Just as God in Christ loves us in spite of us, so she has often loved me in spite of me.

Her submission to my leadership/headship has humbled me.  Indeed she EXPECTS me to lead her and our daughters, and rightly so!  I cannot get off the hook with this gal, nor do I wish to.  I love being hooked by her.

The growth of Christlike love in Michele's heart has wowed me over the years.  Christ is in her and over her and shining through her.  I cannot begin to praise the Lord Jesus enough for allowing this woman to be the mother of our two daughters. 

For those who know us, you know we homeschool and could not be dragged away from it by wild horses.  But, what makes us so "sold" on this educational method (aside from the obvious biblical commands), is that it allows the lady who is most qualified in all this world to teach womanhood and motherhood to my daughters to actually do it 24/7.  I have often said, if producing a brainiac mathematician or chemist was our goal in raising girls, then my wife and I would make very poor choices to be their teachers. 

But, if our goal is to raise girls to be daughters of King Jesus, who will love their husbands and children, be workers at home, so that the word of God is not dishonored (Titus 2), then I cannot think of a finer teacher than my bride.

We beg for God's saving grace and sanctifying grace in our own lives and the lives of our children.  May the Spirit of holiness continue to invade and pervade our marriage to make us more like Jesus, together as one flesh, showing off His glorious love for His bride, the church.  All to the praise of His glory in the face of Jesus the Messiah!

Michele, I cannot wait for the next 16 years.  I simply cannot imagine how deep my love and admiration for you will be then.  May it only be superceded by my love and admiration for our King and Redeemer.

Happy and Holy Anniversary,

Keith

On this Valentine's Day, I would like to recite some lines from an ancient love poem to the love of my life, my wife:

"How beautiful and pleasant you are, O loved one, with all your delights!  Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.  I say I will climb the palm tree and lay hold of its fruit.  Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine, and the scent of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine" (Song of Songs 7:6-9).

There are at least two brands of Christians when it comes to the topics of sex, romance and love.

The first brand is embarrassed by the words of King Solomon above.  They prefer to never talk of such things.  They are horrified that I,  a pastor, am actually quoting these lines to my own wife, and on a public forum no less! 

These people need to be reminded that these obviously romantic (dare I say sexual) lines are in our Bibles.  These are God's words coming through Solomon's pen to his lover, his "sister-bride."  Sex, love and romance do not embarrass God.  He designed them all.  God's design is for these wonderful gifts to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage (a husband and his wife). 

God flatly commands and exhorts husbands and wives as His people to imbibe deeply in sexual intimacy, romance and love with one another - all to His glory!  Don't take my word for it, go read Proverbs 5:15-21 and 1 Cor 7:1-5.  The lovers of the Song of Songs are told:

"Eat, friends, drink and be drunk with love."

'Nuff said.

The second brand of believers has an over-sexualized, over-romanticized view of love.  While God does expect a man to revel in his wife's love and affection, the Scriptures are careful to never define "love" apart from the grace of God in Christ. 

So, though sex in marriage is inherently good, and to be enjoyed, it is not the be-all-end-all.  If it were, a woman whose husband has been paralyzed in an accident or military service would have no reason at all to remain faithful until death. 

We must not take our cues for what intimacy and love between a man and woman look like from Hollywood and all their porn-infested friends.  If we take our cues from nightly TV, in no way will we ever come to see the beauty and Christ-exalting nature of a man and woman staying faithful until death.  Instead, we'll see that love is whatever each individual determines it to be. 

How many Christian women have majorly warped expectations (and thus despair) because they watch Soap Operas every day and read silly romance novels?  There is now even a "Harlequin Romance Porn" industry, produced by women for women.  Oprah promotes it.  God hates it.

How many men have hurt their wives (intentionally or not) because in their bedrooms they are acting out all the pornographic images burnt into their poisoned minds? 

Friends, I realize I'm being blunt.  But we must think on these things as followers of Christ, and beg for grace to redeem our marriages for God's glory.  Think on the implications of 1 John 4:7-11 for our marriages.  Seriously, read it and think on it.  I urge you not to define love in any way except to ground it in God's amazing grace demonstrated by Jesus' death on the cross for unworthy, unlovable sinners like us (Rom 5:8).

What our marriages need is not more romance, nor more sex, nor even more "love" as we typically define it.  No, what our marriages need is gospel love.  What I need is the actual love of Christ being shed abroad in my heart, then overflowing into the heart and life of my wife.  Then my wife's faults will pale.  My energy will be spent mortifying the lust of my flesh by the Spirit and the Word.  Then I'll find myself back at Jesus' pierced feet, receiving mercy and grace in time of need.  Then I'll love Jesus more than my wife.  Then my wife will be the recipient of true love, true romance, to the glory of God!

What if Jesus loved us the way we are loving our spouses right now? 

"Let marriage be held in high honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous" (Hebrews 13:4).

Sports build character.

NOT!

If sports icons like Brett Favre and Andre Agassi are any indication of the morality and character produced by sports, parents are well-advised to keep their children out of sports and away from the lockerrooms. 

Favre's "sexting" scandal was not really considered truly scandalous by most of the media outlets or the typical sports fans or the NFL.  We're calloused to it by now, aren't we? 

I wonder if Ms. Favre is calloused to it?  And his children?  Grandchild?  Nothing to inspire pride in a grandpa like knowing he sends nude photos of himself to some random woman, huh?!

And now, add Andre Agassi to the ever-growing list of the maritally-challenged.  According to Fox Sports (http://msn.foxsports.com/tennis/story/Andre-Agassi-auctions-glimpse-of-Steffi-Graf-naked-photo-011011) Agassi offered to show a nude photo of his wife to the highest bidder at an auction.  I'm sure it was all for charity, which of course justifies it.

NOT!

In the end, Agassi ended up selling out his wife, and possibly his own soul, for $4000. 

Men of God, Dads, brothers and sons, rise up and renounce this puny, fake, filthy excuse for manhood!  Do not allow your sons and daughters to become sports idolaters.  Sports heroes will inevitably let them down, and apparently will also lead them to glamorize defiling their marriage beds.

Defiling a marriage is an ugly thing.  Agassi welcomed another man into his private sanctuary, his marriage bed, when he "showed off" his wife's nude body.  Favre, too invited another woman into the sacred chamber which should have been exclusively reserved for his marriage. 

Men and women, God does not look kindly into allowing a third party into our marriages, be it by way of simple interference / split allegiance, or by way of sexual immorality / infidelity.  (The only third party we should desire in our marriages is Christ Himself, and He belongs in the center, first place.) 

Friends, The Judge is coming one day.  Only one way to resolve defecating on your own marriage bed . . .

"Repent and believe the gospel" (Mark 1:15).  Renounce your sexual sin and filth and cry out for mercy to Jesus who never defiled anything ever, period. 

And lest some of us get high-minded here, let's not forget the words of the God-man, Jesus: "I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matt 5:28).

Forgive me, O Lord.  I plead the blood of Jesus over all my sins.  Give me grace to hate the stain of sexual immorality.  Give me courage and strength as a man to honor my wife and never invite, by any means whatsoever, another human partner into the sacred relationship you have given me with my wife.  Lord, please heal broken marriages today.  Please grant repentance to that man or woman who has invited someone else into their marriage.  Help them give that 3rd party the boot swiftly!  Restore the joy of sacrificial love to them.  In Jesus' Name. 

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper that corresponds to him' " (Gen 2:18).

The one and only thing said to be "not good" in the entire creation narrative of Genesis 1-2 is for Adam (man) to be without a helper (woman/wife).  God made men to be in a marriage relationship.  It's central to the creation design.

To be sure, marriage is not the highest purpose of man.  No, man (humanity) was created to walk with God in a life-giving relationship, and to enjoy the Lord's person and presence forever (to steal some of Westminster's phraseology).  But the creation account makes it clear that the expectation, or the primary way man can glorify God and enjoy Him forever is by walking through life with a woman / wife.  Marriage is God's idea.  It is glorious and when done with Christ at the center, brings the Lord the honor due Him as Creator and Redeemer. 

This is not to say the gift of singleness is dead today (Matt 19:12; 1 Cor 7:32-33).  But clearly, this is the biblical exception, not the rule.  If singleness were the rule, Genesis 2:18 is senseless.  God pronounced Adam's lonliness "not good."  Adam needed Eve (not Steve, and not any of the animals which God had him name immediately after saying his unwed state was not good). 

Young men, even those growing up in churches, simply do not believe God got it right in Genesis 2:18.  Why do college guys hang out with other guys, eating pizzas and playing video games into the wee hours of the morning?  Why do guys date girls forever, seemingly paralyzed to commit to a life of marriage and children and real responsibilities?  Why do guys joke around that once a friend has gotten engaged his life is all but over?  Poor, married wretch.  He bit the bullet.  Tied himself down.  Chained himself to misery and a probable future divorce and nasty custody battle, followed by alimony / child support.

Young men of Christ, be very careful.  Accusing God of being wrong is not something to be taken lightly.  Dads, raise your sons to know better.  Urge them to marry young and get down to the business of real world responsibility sooner rather than later.  Have we so quickly forgotten that marriage is also God's good provision to prevent unwed motherhood and/or pre-marital sex?  Read 1 Cor 7:1-2.  Take God at His word, young men and dads!

What is surprising is how young women are also now treating marriage as if it's something to be put off as long as possible.  I recently read an article on www.msn.com by Erin Meanley titled "36 Things Every Single Girl Must Do Before She Settles Down."  The title says it all, doesn't it?

Allow me to share some of Ms. Meanley's list:

• Live alone.
• Go to a movie alone.
• Fly to a foreign country by yourself.
• Get drunk during the day, just because you can..
• Do at least one Valentine's Day alone.
• Attend a wedding alone.
• Sit at a bar by yourself and drink a martini.
• Finish all your schooling if you can.

She goes on to list three things to do to help yourself appreciate being single.  They are: 1) Babysit someone's baby for an hour.  2) Help a friend through her divorce.  3) Host a girls-only night.  "I think some coupled-up women forget how much we need each other," she quips.

Notice any trends?  This is what feminism has led us to, folks.  A total reversal and denial of God's good creation called marriage, not to mention the gift of children.  Adam and Eve were made for one another.  Their life-long companionship would reflect God's glory in ways that no other human relationships can.  It's OK for men to have friends who are men.  Ditto for women.  But when it comes to the foundation of human society, propagating the faith, and showing the love of Christ to the world, there is no substitute for marriage.

Call me old-fashioned, but scores of young women living alone has not and is not working well for our culture or churches.  Raising girls to shun or deny their God-given need and desire for protection and provision which they are meant to find from their husbands has not and is not working well for our culture.  Scores of men playing games with one another instead of finding their Eve and settling down with her to fulfill their high calling from God as husbands and dads - well, that's not working so well, either, is it?

God help us stop calling His design "bad" or "something to be post-poned while you smother yourself in self-love."  Solomon said, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing." 

I found my good thing 20 years ago.  Short of my walk with Jesus Christ and his grace in my life, nothing else even comes close to the joy of sharing life with my "good thing."  I highly commend it to you, boys.

God got it right.  He always does.  "It is not good for man to be alone."

Most of the dating discussion thus far has focused on Daddy's and Daughters.  There is both a practical and theological reason for this emphasis.

Practically, I am the father of two gorgeous daughters.  No need to deny it, God has used my two girls to drive me into the Word to hear from Him on the matters of being a man, being a Dad, and raising daughters.  So, if my posts seem slanted towards Dad's critical duty to protect and defend their daughters, I make no apologies, and neither does the Bible!

Theologically, the reason is also pretty simple: If Dads protect daughters the way God has designed, most of the current "Christian dating woes" would disappear.  Young Christian men would quickly change their strategies in the face of an army of Dads linked arm-in-arm determined to honor God with the way they raise, protect and partner with their daughters in the courtship process. 

But of course, it is my sincere hope and prayer that many parents in the church of the living God would also begin to raise boys to be real men.  Our nation is awash in boys who look outwardly like grown men.  I have written on this pandemic of overgrown boys cleaverly disguished as bearded men in previous posts.  I invite you to read some of them or review them. 

Today, however, I want to end this series of posts on Dating by exhorting Dads, Moms, and young men to reclaim biblical manhood for the glory of our Savior and Lord, who was The Man of all Men.  Jesus is the perfect Man, the God-man, so if we Christians look anywhere other than to Him for our picture of manhood, shame on us.

And it really is a shame how Christians in our culture have all but lost any solid concept of genuine biblical manhood.  The femi-nazi's have beaten us down, sissified us, and left us with girlie men.  Broken homes, single-parenthood, and absentee fathers have further contributed to multiple generations of confused, neutered men.  Far too many generations of young boys have grown up in the church with little to no model of manhood, nor anyone who cared enough to disciple and mentor them into a Christ-like man.  This must change!

I thank God for men like Drs. R. Albert Mohler, Jr. and Voddie Baucham who write and speak so powerfully, so biblically, so passionately about true manhood.  May God increase their tribe.  More importantly, may God increase the tribe of Dads who are committed to raising young warriors for Christ. 

And what, pray tell would such a warrior look like?  Here's a short list:

• A real man embraces his God-given role as a provider.  God made man and put him in a garden "to work and keep it."  God made men to cultivate, improve, and grow things in order to provide for his wife / children, as well as to reflect the image of God as our Ultimate Provider.
• A real man exercises dominion over the creation.  God told man to "have dominion" over the fish and fowl, creatures great and small, as well as the land and plants around him.  Adam was the first vice-regent of God, if you will, created to reflect and extend God's dominion by using the creation in God-honoring ways, as well as beautifying the creation.  Real men do not go to PETA meetings, nor do they smooch with trees.  Nor do real men abuse the creation.  Rather, real men utilize the creation with gratitude to God for His provision, and work to beautify the creation to reflect God's creative beauty.
• Real men embrace God's command to "be fruitful and multiply" and they embrace God's good design for this propogation (one man married to one woman).  The Bible does admit a few God-ordained exceptions (those given the gift of singleness), but they are the exception, not the rule.  The rule is a "one woman man" who desires and loves children!  (Mal 2:14-16). 
• Real men are Christ-like leaders (Eph 5:22-24).  Jesus leads with uncompromising truth.  He stands between His people and the demonic wolves.  He leads with compassion, but firmness.  He leads by washing sinners' feet.  He leads by example.  He leads by mentoring.  He leads by teaching the Word.  He leads by preaching the Word. 
• Real men love their wives like Christ (Eph 5:25-27).  Jesus willingly became accursed for His church, His bride.  Jesus was crushed in the stead of His bride.  Jesus defeated death and sin forever by rising again for His bride.  Jesus is a warrior who has never lost a battle for His bride!  Jesus always does only what honors God the Father, and what is best for His bride, the church.
• Real men grasp and embrace the "one flesh union" of marriage (Eph 5:28-33).  Just as Christ is permanantly bonded to His beloved church, so a biblical man is glued to his wife for life.  A real man is determined by God's grace that nothing short of death shall pull him away from his bride (Rom 8:31-39). 
• Real men are the pastor-theologians of their families.  While every man will not be called or expected to fill pulpits, every married man is expected to be the primary Bible teacher in his home (1 Cor 14:34-35; 1 Tim 2:11-15).  We have been raising generations of young men in the church who can barely put together a few intelligible sentences about the gospel, much less faihfully teach a passage of scripture to their wife and children.  This must cease!  And Dad you are just the man God has called to see to it that it does cease in your own home.

The biblical standard of manhood is high.  But, God does not ask our opinion when He commands and demands and manifests His design for holy manhood.  We dare not lower God's standard!  Rather, we look fully into the face of God in Christ to see our truest picture of what a man is.  All that Adam failed to be, Christ was and is forever.  All that we fail to be, Jesus is. 

We must pursue Jesus carried along by the Holy Spirit of grace.  We must raise sons to run hard after Christ on the track of God's sovereign mercy. 

God give us grace to look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of faith.  God give us grace to raise sons who will reclaim and reflect the image of Christ as the leader of their homes, the lovers of their wives, and the shepherd of their children.  God help us raise up young men who would not dare dishonor a young woman's parents in the ways they relate to her. 

God give us real men, not for our sake, but for the sake of the Holy Savior, Jesus.  May our sons reflect His radiance, His dominion, His love, His truth, and His holiness.  Remake our sons into the image of the Second Adam we pray.  Grant our daughters not perfect men, for Jesus alone is the Perfect Man.  But grant our daughters men of grace, who will raise our grandchildren to be children of the High King of Heaven, children of the Word, children of God's adoption in Christ.  Amen.

By now it should be obvious I believe Christians need to shun anything remotely resembling what our culture calls "dating."  We need to shun it ourselves.  We need to raise our sons and daughters to shun it.

But, we dare not leave it there, for young men will be attracted to young women, and vice-versa.  This is by God's design!  So, we cannot simply shield our children from ever developing a relationship with potential spouses.  I hope by now readers have gotten a more biblical vision for how we might honor God, restore fathers (parents) to their rightful place in courtship, and protect our children from emotional, physical, and spiritual scars that will inevitably arise from dating the culture's way.

Before I attempt a summary of principles, however, let me state clearly what I am not advocating.  I am not recommending arranged marriages.  By "arranged" I mean a marriage completely set up by parents, without the participation or even the knowledge of the children involved.  Some cultures still practice arranged marriages.  Though I do not advocate for them, neither do I absolutely condemn cultures who have this pratice.  It is intruiging, for example, that in India where arranged marriages are standard fare, the divorce rate is light years lower than in post-modern cultures like America.  I once saw a documentary on arranged marriages in India, and a young man said something quite profound when commenting on the low divorce rates.  He said (paraphrased), "In America, you marry the one you love.  In India, we love the one we marry."  That's worth thinking about, friends.  Seems Hindus may have a better grasp of true love than those claiming to be followers of Christ in America!  Oh, the ugly toll that buying into our culture's romantic view of love has taken on us.

I have heard some people try to claim that arranged marriages were the norm in Old Covenant Israel, as well as in New Testament times.  But, as I read the Bible, is does not appear to me that God's design meets the definition of what we typically think of when we say "arranged marriages."  Rather, as stated in previous posts, I believe the model laid out for us in the Bible is what we might term "Participatory Partnership."  Here are the principles defining such a model of courtship:

1. Parents, in particular fathers, have the prominent role of protecting daughters' purity until marriage.
2. Parents serve as their daughters' first line evaluators of any potential suitors.
3. Sound doctrine must drive parents' decision-making when it comes to matters of opposite sex relations.  For instance, Jeremiah 17:9 demands high parental supervision and participation in the ways young teens spend time together.
4. Once a suitor develops a relationship with the Dad and Mom, and the parents have found obvious marks of regeneration/salvation and blossoming spiritual maturity, the suitor can then be permitted to begin developing a relationship with the daughter, always under Dad's watchful eye (or Mom's in Dad's absence).
5. The parent(s) should serve as advisors and ready counselors as the young relationship continues to grow.  Particular attention should be paid to helping the couple grow in their grasp of biblical / gospel love and a genuine Christian model of home / marriage.  Children must be trained well in these matters long before that first guy comes a knockin,' but the education must be constant and continuous, especialy as the attachment grows stronger during the courtship.
6. When it becomes clear to both the young man and woman that their hearts are committed for a lifetime, it is then (at the wedding) that a young woman is formally transferred from her Dad's headship to her husband's.
7. Young men must also be protected, but by God's design they are to be the seekers in the relationship.  "Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife."  So, we must raise our sons to embrace this biblical vision of courtship.  Young men must return to honoring God and Dads and Moms in the way they approach getting to know a young girl.

Personally, as a Dad of daughters, I feel strongly that any young man desiring a relationship with one of my girls should come through me.  That is, he should seek a relationship with me first, long before he ever expresses his feelings of fondness to my daughter.  He should place himself willingly and joyfully under my spiritual mentorship and evaluation.  He should avoid trying to steal my daughter's heart without my hearty approval at all costs.  He dare not try to back me into a corner in the matter of giving my blessing.

My daughter's are being raised with this vision, this expectation, this confident surety that Daddy will protect them and that I am on their side, for the glory of God!  I believe when the time comes, my girls will be joyful to have me on their front lines, and will know I have their best interest at heart, and will honor this process with whole-hearted trust in our Sovereign God who works all things for their good because they are His called ones, and they love Him.

Now, some of you are thinking, "Poor, wretched young man who dares to come callin' at this pastor's door!"  Well, maybe so, depending on the young man.  But, believe me, this pastor is a chief sinner who would be ruined apart from the grace of God in Christ.  I look forward, actually, to the young man God will send to me one day, to express his desire to get to know one of my daughters.  I believe I and that young man will develop a most blessed relationship as we begin to walk with Christ together, and to walk through His Word together.  We'll share our hearts, talk of real manhood, work together, and come to know the pleasure of the Lord in the matter of my daughter.  We'll commit ourselves first to God's glory, and confess His sovereingty, come what may.  So long as the young man is also a man captured by grace, knowing how far from perfect we all are, and how Perfect Jesus is, and so long as he submits to mentoring and cultivates spiritual growth in godliness, he will meet my general criteria to take a step towards my daughter.

Now, I am praying and trusting God that another Dad out there somewhere is raising his son to have a similar vision.  After all, I do want to get off on the right foot with this young whipper-snapper!

Next and Concluding Post in This Series: The Makings of a Man  

Fatherlessness is killing the very soul of our nation; for it is destroying our homes.  Beyond this, fatherlessness (defined as the physical absence of a Dad in a home/family, or the functional absence of a Dad in a home/ family) is setting the next generation of homes up for failure.  It exists as a generational curse if ever there was one.

Rather than rehearse the well-known stats of this growing epidemic in America (for example, see the tremendous body of research done by the Institute for American Values), my aim here is to ask a simple question or two:

1. What role does the Bible envision fathers playing in dating/courtship?
2. How can we reclaim this vital role in our families today?

At first glance, one may presume the Bible does not have direct commands for Dads in the matter of their children's courtships.  Upon deeper reflection, God's viewpoint emerges from several texts.

For starters, consider the account of Laban and Jacob (Genesis 29).  Note how Jacob goes about gaining the courtship of Rachel.  He goes through her father Laban.  And even after the weasel Laban bamboozles Jacob, giving him Leah instead of Rachel and excising yet another seven years of labor out of him, Jacob still honors the process of submitting to Laban's role as Rachel's Dad.  In other words, Jacob is not willing to by-pass Laban to get Rachel, even if Laban is a scoundrel.

In Judges 15:1-2, we see that even the pig-headed Sampson refuses to violate the decision of a Dad in the matter of access to his daughter.  And, amazingly, this is true even after the daughter has "married" Sampson!  Granted, Sampson exacts revenge, but not on the father or daughter (their own village does that task).

It appears something more than just a cultural norm is at work here in the Old Testament.  One is inclined to think that if even less than stellar men (Jacob and Sampson) honor the father's critical role in courtship, that a law or moral code is at work somewhere.

Enter Deuteronomy 22:13-29.  In this passage, case law is laid down by Moses, expounding upon the 7th commandment involving adultery or extra-marital sex.  While we would not advocate today the punishments (stoning) for pre-marital or extra-marital sex set out in this text, we can and should seek out those timeless truths that transcend all cultures.  I see at least three timeless truths from this passage:

1. God takes sexual purity very seriously, yeah deadly seriously for His people.  Again, I do not endorse stoning in these cases, but that is only because Jesus, the Law Fulfiller, showed us the true intent of the Law - to expose our sinful hearts and need of a Savior.  Jesus condemned us all as adulterers of the heart (Matt 5:27-28).  James calls us all spiritual adulterers (4:4).  That is, we have all "played the whore in our father's house" (Deut 22:21).  We need Jesus.  But friends, the NT does not let us off the hook in the matter of sexual sin (1 Cor 6).  God is serious about purity in His people.  Are we serious about it in our own hearts and homes?
2. God created men to protect and defend the purity and dignity of women.  Space forbids an in-depth analysis here, but suffice it to say a close study of these case laws reveals what God intended.  The laws were designed to protect the woman's purity, dignity, and her family's reputation.  Easy divorce was out of the question!  Frivilous accusations by husbands were all but ruled out.  A young man, for example, convicted of pre-marital sex, was required to marry the girl (unless the Dad disapproved, per Ex 22:16-17), and pay a hefty fine, and was never allowed to divorce her, period!  Now that would discourage pre-marital sex!  This is why the OT does not have rampant examples of these case laws actually ever having to be used.  The laws worked!  Men embraced their roles to protect and defend women.
3. The role of the Dad in guarding his daughter's purity is pivotal.  Notice the intimate relationship and partnership that was expected to exist between daughter and Dad.  The daughter had to humble herself and present her wedding night bedsheet to her Dad for safekeeping, to prove she had indeed honored God and honored her Dad in the matter of her sexual purity.  One imagines the joy the Dad and daughter experienced as they took part in this sacred ritual, rejoicing in how they had by God's good graces partnered together to present that young lady pure to her husband.  When the daughter handed Dad those sheets, she was in essence saying, "I love the Lord, and I love you, Daddy.  We did it God's way!  To God be the glory!"  God designed Daddies to protect their daughters' purity at all costs.

Clear enough, I think.  But how do we reclaim the role of Dads in courtship?  To be sure, it will require much of us, especially for those dads who do not have regular access to their children.  It will require Dads to raise their daughters with the expectation that Dad is the front-line defense and evaluator of potential suitors.  It will require us to earn our daughters' trust in this matter, so that if we disapprove, the matter goes no further.  It will require Dads (and moms) to then partner with daughters in the ongoing evaluation of potential mates, allowing a relationship to build slowly and purely - God's way - under watchful parental supervision.

And it will require Dads to raise sons to be the kind of young men who will approach and develop a relationship with the Dad long before they ever even try it with the daughter.  No more by-passing Dad.  No more stealing the girl's heart first, then bringing Dad into the picture only when it is time to "ask for his daughter's hand."  Voddie Baucham calls this backing Dad into a corner, all but ensuring he has to say "yes" since the girl already has given herself to the man regardless of Dad or in total disregard to Dad's rightful role and place.

God's way requires a radical swimming upstream in this ruined culture, a radical rejection of cultural dating.  It requires taking God at His Word.  It requires grace to be holy, for our God is holy (Lev 19:2).  God help us pursue the better way.  For His sake, and for our children's children.  Help us restore Dads and Moms to their rightful places in courtship.

Next post: A Better Way                            

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!  For your love is better than wine" (Song of Songs 1:2).

"Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue" (Song of Songs 4:11).

To kiss or not to kiss, that is the question.  Or, more properly, to kiss while "dating" or not to kiss, now that is the question; for it can hardly be denied that the Bible extols the romantic kiss of a husband and bride, as the quotes from Solomon's Song above aptly illustrate.  

I still vividly remember my first encounter with a young woman who was not shy about telling others she had no intention of even kissing a man prior to her wedding day.  I was in a Communications class with her at Vanderbilt University.  She shared with the whole class during one of our group discussions on intimate human relations that she was saving herself wholly for her husband.  Though I was a Christian at the time, I had never even thought of such a thing in my walk with Christ.  Most of the class picked some light fun at her (though they were actually very respectful of her, all things considered).  But although I found the idea of not even kissing before marriage a bit weird, deep inside I longed for more of the radical commitment to Christ possessed by this young lady.   

The issue of kissing romantically before marriage is a sticky one, I grant.  The Bible does not have a specific prohibition in the matter, to my knowledge.  So, I cannot quote a "Thou shalt not kiss before marriage" verse.  But, often when trying to think God's thoughts after Him we are called upon to take in the whole sweep of Scripture.  The Bible's view of human sexuality, in other words, is comprehensive and crystal clear.  God's design for sexual intimacy is that it be expressed solely between one man and one woman within the confines of marriage.  Jesus strongly affirmed the one-man-one-woman-for-life marriage formula in Matthew 19:1-9.

But is kissing really a sexually intimate act?  Should we God-fearing parents be warning and discouraing our teens (and younger children) to avoid romantic kissing prior to marriage?

I believe both science and the Bible answer "yes" to these two questions.

In the October 2010 issue of the AFA Journal, Ed Vitagliano reports on some new research demonstrating the strong and fascinating chemical reactions in our brains to intimate activity.  Let me very briefly try to boil down the findings:

• Dopamine (a chemical in the brain that makes us feel good or excited) is released during even very simple romantic actions, such as tender glances, hand-holding, long hugs, etc.  Dopamine is an internal reward mechanism designed by God to make us want to repeat the action or to get more of it.  Dopamine makes an activity addictive.
• Oxytocin floods a woman's brain during labor, birth and breastfeeding and is designed to create a strong bonding reaction between the woman and the baby.  This chemical is also released, however, during intimate touching, causing the woman to bond with the man touching her, and making her want more.  Again it is addictive.
• The counterpart to oxytocin in the man is vasopressin.  It causes him to feel a bond to a woman and to keep coming back for more.

At the very least, one can see the grave dangers of pre-marital or extra-marital sex.  Even science is now showing us how the Creator designed us as sexual beings with strong emotional and physical attachments to those we love and are intimate with.  The above findings demonstrate why casual sex or even one sexual encounter gone sour can leave devastating internal scars.  Our sexed up society is making a wreck of the designed chemical processes in our brains, and it is leaving its scar tissue on our very hearts and souls.

What should be obvious from these findings, too, is just how much romantic kissing is designed by God to "make us want more."  If a simple touch of the hand illicits these addictive chemical responses in us, how much more a long, passionate kiss?  Non-existent is the young man or woman who can routinely kiss a partner without an overwhelming desire to go just a little bit further each time.  Science now confirms what I believe God has been telling us all along.

As far as I can tell, the only place in the Bible where the subject of intimate kissing is explored is the Song of Songs.  This Book is written to extol the virtues of marital sex and intimacy.  Period.  In case that point is not clear, three times in the short Book, we read this phrase:

"I adjure you . . . do not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (2:7; 3:5; 8:4).   

In Chapter 8 of the Song, we also see the bride saying to her husband, "If I found you outside, I would kiss you and none would despise me."  The implication is clear enough, isn't it?  Public kissing between non-married people was "despised."  

Oh, Christian parents, rise up and reclaim God's holy viewpoint on these matters!  God's perspective on young people acting like they're married when they are not is quite clear (Deut 22:28-29; 1 Cor 5:9-12).  Purity God's way is all-encompassing, before, during, and yes even after death or divorce parts a marriage.

God help us raise our sons and daughters to embrace Your ideals and to whole-heartedly reject our culture's wrecked and warped way of dating and relating.  For the glory of Your name, give parents and children and teens great grace to reflect Your holiness to a lost and dying world.  Help us all not give place to the devil.  Help dads and moms have the spiritual spine to protect their children from romantic blunders at all costs.  Give us strength in this crooked and perverse generation to rise up and "kiss the Son" (Psalm 2:12).  In the sweet name of Jesus, amen.

*For more information, see Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex Is Affecting Our Children by Joe S. McIlhaney Jr. and Freda McKissic Bush.  Also The Harmful Effects of Early Sexual Activity and Multiple Sexual Partners Among Women by Robert E. Rector.          

           

"The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually" (Genesis 6:5).

"They have dealt corruptly with Him, they are no longer His children because of their blemish; they are a crooked and twisted generation" (Deut 32:5).

"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me" (Psalm 51:5).

"We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment" (Isaiah 64:6).

"Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?  Then also you can do good who are accustomed to do evil" (Jeremiah 13:23).

"For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil . . ." (Mark 7:21).

"None is righteous, no, not one . . . no one does good, not even one" (Romans 3:10-12).

The doctrine of Total Depravity is one of the clearest in the Bible.  It is the clear teaching of God concerning mankind's helpless, pitiful spiritual condition from cover to cover in the Bible.  Being totally depraved does not mean every person is as sinful as he or she could be (that would be hell, indeed).  Rather, total depravity simply teaches that we are all born sinners, we have a sin nature bent towards evil and rebellion against God from birth.  Once we are old enough to choose between God's Law and sin (which happens much earlier than most of us like to admit), we all add insult to injury and heap up filth and wickedness before Holy God.  Our condition spiritually is so dire that God says we are "dead in trespasses and sins" (Eph 2:1).  Our depravity necessitates a gracious move of God's Spirit in our lives, giving us new life (birth) in Christ Jesus in order for us to repent of sin and believe in Jesus and be saved (John 3:1-8; John 6:65; Eph 2:1-10; 2 Tim 2:25; Titus 3:5; 1 John 5:1).  We must be born again, "not of blood, nor of the will of flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God (John 1:13).  Oh friends, "salvation is of the Lord" (Jonah 2:9).

But what does Total Depravity have to do with dating, especially if Johnny is a Christian?  Well, glad you asked.  Most Christian parents demonstrate by their actions that they really do not grasp the power and presence of indwelling sin, even among the saved (1 John 1:8-10).  Many parents assume since their teen is saved, and they have the Holy Spirit indwelling them, that they can just trust little Susie to "do the right thing."  Oh, if it were that easy!

King David lusted after Bathsheba, acted on it, and then enjoyed his sexual sin with her so much he had her husband killed.  So, if your teen is stronger in the Lord than David, the "man after God's own heart," then by all means continue to let him go into darkened movie theaters with girls, totally unsupervised by yourself or any other adult.

The same Apostle who wrote so much about the regenerating power of God's Spirit, making us alive in Christ and dead to sin, also wrote this about himself:

I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate . . . For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is in my flesh.  For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing . . . wretched man that I am!  Who will deliver me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!  So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind [the regenerated will], but with my flesh [indwelling sin] I serve the law of sin (Rom 7).

So, if your teen is walking closer with Christ than the Apostle Paul did, then by all means let that young man and young woman be alone upstairs in the bedroom while you are downstairs in the kitchen.  (How many stories do we parents have tucked away in our devilish minds about being alone with the opposite sex in a house that parents were in?)

Friends, have we so quickly forgotten Paul's admonition to the saved believers at Ephesus?  "Give no opportunity to the devil" (4:27).  As parents, we are responsible for doing all we can to ensure our children are not purposely in places where Satan can gain an easy foothold into their lives.

"Satan's foothold" is an apt description for dating in America. 

We have not equipped our children well in the doctrine of sanctification, so they do not know how to wage this war against sin and towards the pursuit of holiness (Gal :16-26).  They have no idea how to put off the old man and put on Christ (Eph 4; Col 3).  That's not part of our Sunday School curricula.

Almost non-existent is the young man who given an opportunity to be alone with a girl he is so physically attracted to that his reasoning faculties are shut down who will not try to touch somewhere, kiss like he's a soap star, caress like the girl is all his, and voila - the devil's foothold becomes a stranglehold!

As for me and my house, we will shun dating the culture's way.  We care not what others think, even those within the church.  As a Dad, God clearly expects me to protect my daughter's purity (Deut 22:13-21).  The Lord of hosts did not ask the American culture or church what they thought about this arrangement.  By His grace, I intend to fulfill this God-given role well and faithfully.

We're out of time for now.  Stay tuned, much more to come.

Next Post: The Kiss of Death

In his book Family-Driven Faith, Voddie Baucham makes an assertion that the way Americans have done dating for many generations now is nothing more than practice for divorce.

Challenging, no? The argument found fertile soil in my heart, as my fatherly instincts have been crying out and seeking God in the matter of a “better way” for my own daughters. I decided to begin deeper contemplation and Bible study on this issue, and the Lord is changing my whole outlook on human relationships, especially a relationship that is meant to move towards marriage.

Growing up, I was told that the purpose of dating was to find a wife. Made sense then. Makes sense now. The only problem was the method of finding said spouse was not discussed much. It was assumed I would enter the dating scene like all my peers at school. This involved shopping around (which typically leads to fooling around), playing the field until someone began to meet my often overly self-centered desires, dating until one or both of us got tired/ bored of one another or found someone we liked better, then dropping the whole thing, vowing to stay friends.

This method left several young ladies in my wake. Some hurt. Some jilted. Some elated to be rid of me!

To “date” in my day meant going to the movies, or to the Pizza Hut. It meant letting everyone know at school that a certain girl was “mine,” until of course we decided some months or weeks later to call the whole thing off, then we were both officially “back on the market.” It meant holding hands in the school hallways, and yes sometimes sneaking kisses (a subject for the upcoming post) between classes. And of course we cool guys always sat with our girlfriends at lunch, but more honestly, we sat with entire groups of girls that we all dated on a rotating basis.

Dating also had a much darker side. It sometimes meant going to parties together, where the majority of teens were drinking and doing other things they had no business doing. God graciously spared me from any desire to become a partier-drinker, but this by no means implies I kept my dating habits spotless or sinless.

Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, the whole dating scene for me from middle school through high school was almost entirely unsupervised by adults. It was, when it comes right down to it, an unhealthy, blind groping, trying to figure out how in the world to manage to find that “special one.” The criteria for a good wife given in the Bible was somewhat known to me. I cannot claim ignorance there and I was a Christian teen. But, the criteria of the crowd around me suited my sin nature more readily, you see. Good looks. Popularity. Common extra-curricular activities. Good kisser. Looked good on my arm at school dances. Made other guys envious.

Somehow commitments to purity never made our peer pressured list. Nor did a commitment to being a Christ-exalting, submissive wife who wanted nothing more than to be a godly wife and mother, and who treasured the provision of protective male headship given to her by God. A gentle and quiet spirit just did not make the cut.

Yeah. Come to think of it, we were all just participating in divorce warm-ups, preparing to do our part to perpetuate the cycle of carved up, hurting, single-parent or multi-step-parent families. The whole thing was like a more innocent version of TV’s “The Bachelor.”

Chaos aptly described the dating scene back then. It still describes it today, too. Just spend some time with a teen, pick their brain in these matters, listen to their confused, jilted hearts. And why are Christian parents in the church continuing to allow or directly putting their children into this cycle of insanity? Dating as it has been done for generations now is absolutely biblically unjustifiable. No parent can quote Chapter and Verse to justify this madness.

Our children are crying out for a better way. But most of us 30-something parents did not live the better way ourselves. We must first confess our own sins, seek cleansing through Jesus’ blood, then determine by God’s grace to search out and obey the more biblical way for our children. We cannot teach and train what we do not know. We must seek God’s grace to break the cycle, for His glory and the good of our children and grandchildren.

Accepting the culture’s view and expectations for dating has gone on long enough. In the words of the hymn writer, “Rise up, O church of God, be done with lesser things.”

“God is not the author of confusion, but of peace” (1 Cor 14:33).

Next Post: Dating and the Doctrine of Depravity