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Odd how God's Holy Spirit so often brings the text preachers are planning to preach to bear on their own souls first.  Or, maybe it should not strike me as so odd, since preachers really have no business in pulpits if God's Word is not actively shaping, molding and squeezing them, too!

Yesterday, I began a 9 sermon series on the Family called "Heavenly Home Work."  We began yesterday by exploring True Love, with 1 John 4:7-11 as our holy text.  Of course, the thrust of the text and the sermon was the truth, "God is love."  God defines love.  He is the essence of love.  God does not change, therefore love, which flows out of His character, does not change!

God's love was manifested best through the bloody cross work of His perfect Son Jesus.  Jesus did not follow the "you fill my love tank and I'll fill yours" philosophy.  Nobody seemed remotely interested in filling Jesus' love tank while He hung on the cross enduring God's holy wrath against countless sins of countless sinners like me.  But, in the face of raw hatred Jesus said, "Father, forgive them."

That's True Love.  It is a settled act of the will that causes one to always act sacrifcially and willingly for God's glory and the good of the beloved.  That's what I preached yesterday.  True Love changes everything, not the least of which is our marriages!

But, apparently my thick skull needed a powerful reminder of how wonderful it is to be loved in this way - like God loves.  So, here goes a confession . . .

Saturday night I took a shower and got ready to get into bed.  My wife was already in bed.  She simply asked as I began to climb in bed if I had remembered to turn the water off to our home (we have a leaking sink that requires we shut the water down at night until we can get the sink fixed).  Simple question.  No ill will intended by my wife.

I snapped at her and said some ugly things as I stomped down stairs to go do my "duty."  I was frustrated.  I wanted to just go to bed!  I did not want to have to go ALL THE WAY down stairs to save us some major water bill dough!  I was a selfish brat and my wife bore the brunt.

Do you know what happened?  Five minutes after I climbed into bed and began to get nestled under the covers, Michele turned towards me and softly said, "I love you, honey."

Now, Michele had no idea what the Holy Spirit was up to in my heart just then!  The conviction hit home.  I had just snapped at my wife sinfully for no good reason.  And, her answer was just to love me.  True Love.  It cannot be stopped!

I asked Michele to forgive me the next morning.  Funny thing is she remembered none of it - she sleeps soundly!

Friends, I cannot tell you the joy and wonder of being loved by my wife in spite of myself.  I get glimpses of Jesus' love for me every time my bride chooses to love instead of treating me like I deserve. 

Like God, Michele just loves me because she loves me.  God help all us husbands and wives to reflect His love and beauty in the same way.  God give us True Love.

"It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the Lord set His love on you and chose you, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but it is because the Lord loves you" (Deut 7:7-8).

For several weeks now, we have been exploring what I have called "The Big Seven."  These are the seven key issues that have great potential to either bless or curse a Christian marriage.  I guess one might say they can be either the "Seven Deadly Sins" or the "Seven Life-Giving Blessings."  I hope you have been reading these posts with your spouses or fiancees, discussing them, searching the Scriptures referenced, and perhaps even using the posts to instruct your children.

These posts are not special or full of new ideas.  I do not wish you to read them merely because I wrote them.  Rather, what I have attempted to do is to explain and apply the words of God pertaining to marriage.  To the extent I have, by the Spirit's illuminating grace, rightly divided the word of truth, these posts will be successful.  It is not my blog that will bless and strengthen your marriage.  It is the Holy Spirit of God applying the Scriptures that ensure success. 

To finish this series of posts, then, let me give you three key words that I think best capture God's grand design for marriage.  Marriage is, after all, His idea and His creation.  So, let's think on the design of the Designer.

1. Image.  Genesis 1:26-27 tells us God created mankind in His own image, "Male and female He created them."  We can hardly underestimate the importance of the doctrine theologians call the imago dei (image of God).  In everything we do as humans, we are intended to image God, to reflect His goodness, mercy, love, creativity, and righteousness.  Of course, sin has marred His image in us, but those redeemed in Christ are having His image restored day-by-day.  Perhaps more than any other human relationship, marriage provides us the very best opportunity to show off God's glorious image.  So, husbands and wives, daily commit to seeking God's grace and face to image Him to one another.
2. Covenant.  Malachi 2:14 tells us God is a "witness" between husbands and wives.  The text continues and says, "She is your companion and your wife by covenant."  No doubt, this is why a few sentences later we read about God's holy hatred for divorce.  You see, our God is a Covenant Maker and a Covenant Keeper.  In fact, many Bible scholars have summed up the Old Testament's relationship to the New Testament as "Promises made - promises kept."  This is surely how Mary viewed her miraculous pregnancy (Luke 1:46-55).  Zacharias, too, saw Jesus' birth as God keeping His covenantal promise (Luke 1:67-79).  Ditto for Simeon (Luke 2:29-32).  God makes covenants with His people, and despite His people's faithlessness, He proves faithful time after time.  Here again, the lesson is obvious: Marriage, above all other human relationships, has the greatest potential to image and glorify and reflect our Covenant-Making God whose faithfulness is the very source of our salvation and eternal bliss. 
3. Christ.  In the end, everything is about Him, isn't it?  God surely says so (Col 1; Heb 1).  No surprise, then, that Paul tells us marriage is a showcase for the redeeming love of Christ for His people (Eph 5:22-33).  Love between Christian husbands and wives is to reflect and image Christ, whose love is so amazing John wonders where in the world it comes from (1 John 3:1).  It is other-worldly love, and we believers in Christ are called and enabled to share in it and give it (Rom 5:5; 1 Peter 1:22-23).  Also no surprise, then, that at the end of time as we know it, we see the Blessed Bridegroom, King Jesus, showing off His bride, the church (Rev 21:9).  And, then the Bride's eyes will be twinkling with her Groom's love - showing "the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus" (Eph 2:7).  Christian marriage is about Jesus Christ.  More than any other human relationship, it has potential to make His Name and Fame great, or to give the watching world reason to doubt His power and person.

With so much riding on Christian marriages, is it any wonder, then, that Paul writes to the Church at Corinth: 

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): The wife should not separate from her husband, but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband; and the husband should not divorce his wife (1 Cor 7:10-11).

"Christian divorce" was simply inconceivable to Paul.  I mean, in the previous chapter he had urged believers not to take other believers to court (1 Cor 6:1-8).  Two married believers going to divorce court was more than the Apostle could bear to even consider!  So, the Lord's word to two genuinely saved people who are married is this: Stay married!  But if you separate, your options are two - singlehood or reconciliation. 

Not popular.  Not what we hear from pulpits today.  Not what we want to hear.  And while I surely do not think divorce and remarriage is some kind of unforgiveable sin (the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin), I do long for our pulpits to once again be aflame with these words of our God. 

Marriage is for His glory!  Marriage is about Christ!  Marriage is a workshop where Jesus is modeled!  This is serious business, brothers and sisters!  So get on your knees together and stay on your knees together as husband and wife crying out for God's sovereign grace to carry and sustain you as you image Him, covenant with Him and one another, and radiate the love of the glorified Savior. 

"What God has therefore joined together, let no man separate."  For Jesus' sake.  Amen.

I believe in generational curses.

Now, as a Southern Baptist pastor, and a Calvinistic / Reformed one at that, this statement may prove shocking.  So, let me explain. 

I do not believe in generational curses the way some of my Pentecostal friends do.  They propose that not only do certain sins or sinful propensities run in families (with which I agree), but that current generations are actually being punished by God for the sins of past generations (with which I disagree).

The idea of a "generational curse" comes from Exodus 20:5, which states: "I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me."

On the surface, it may appear God is saying He punishes children for their parents' or grandparents' iniquities, particularly the sin of hating Him.  Of course, a careful look at the text shows us that God says He "visits" not "punishes."  Thus, just using the actual words of the text itself, the main teaching is that indeed iniquities run in families!  Sinful dispositions are in our genes, friends.  For those understanding the Doctrine of Total Depravity, this comes as no surprise.  Sin has infected every part of us as human beings, including our genetics and DNA.  So, it should shock no one that when watching our children, "the apple does not fall far from the tree," as we oft repine.  Thus, the text mainly teaches us about what I call Sin Cycles in family lines.  These can be easily observed.  More on that later.

Going a step further, however, and employing the Principle of "Scripture interprets Scripture," we must soundly reject the idea of God punishing current people for past people's sins.  Why?  Because Ezekiel 18 directly addresses that faulty interpretation of Exodus 20 among the people of Israel.  The Israelites of Ezekiel's day interpreted Exodus 20:5 in the same way some Christians do today, and God strongly refuted their interpretation.  They claimed they were being punished by God for the sins of their ancestors (18:1-2).  God's answer is given in verse 4, and again in verse 13, yet again in verse 17,  once more in verse 20, and several times more in the chapter. 

"The soul who sins shall die."

Simple.  Clear.  God punishes each person for his or her own sins.  And, don't we all have enough heaped up iniquities to rightly call down God's wrath on us now and forever?  Why would God need to punish us for someone else's sins when we have so many of our own?  That is the lesson of Ezekiel 18.  Hear God's mercy-saturated conclusion:

"Therefore I will judge you . . . every one according to his ways, declares the Lord God.  Repent and turn from all your transgressions lest iniquity be your ruin . . . Why will you die, O house of Israel?  For I have no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Lord God, so turn and live" (vv. 30-32).

This matter of breaking the sin cycles handed down to us by ancestors, teachers, peers, politicians, pastors (yes, sadly), and others is recurring in the Bible.  Think of the Book of Judges!  Consider the words of God via the Prophet Jeremiah when he was explaining why God's judgment was about to fall: "Because they have forsaken my law that I set before them, and have not obeyed my voice or walked in accord with it, but have stubbornly followed their own hearts and have gone after the Baals, as their fathers taught them" (Jer 9:13-14).    

You see, dear Christian, we have been taught many things by many people, not the least of which are our parents and family members.  Treasure the good things passed down (good as defined by God's Word).  Trash the unbiblical things or bad habits or sinful cycles.  Cry out for God's grace to powerfully move your heart and life, so that you can have His strength to break those sin cycles in your own homes.  Do whatever it takes, by the grace of God's Spirit working through His Word, to break the damaging cycles.  For God's glory and the good of your marriage / home, break the cycles! 

Some of us have learned divorce from our parents.  Children of divorce, of all people, should hate it and be crying out for grace and doing whatever it takes to break this ruinous cycle in their own marriages!  Divorce is an especially difficult cycle to break, too, as borne out by research showing that second marriages fare even worse than the first, third worse than seconds, and so on.  But, in Christ, "where sin abounds, grace more than abounds."

Some of us have learned poor communication or little to no communication.  Closing off from your spouse is just another form of running and hiding . . . handed down to us all by our first parents in Eden.  If marriage is to express the intimacy between Christ and His church, then what place could hiding and running and sewing fig leaves possibly have in it? 

Some of us have learned abuse, whether by alcohol or drugs or physical harm or demeaning words.  God help those of you who have seen and experienced this cycle to find healing in Jesus and to be given mercy to break this cycle.

Some of us have learned workaholism.  Some have learned materialism.  Some have learned humanism (self-centeredness which claims so many supposed "rights" to be happy and get our way).  Oh the things we have learned!  Oh the sin cycles that we must break in Jesus' name!

Every spouse carries baggage into his or her marriage.  Some of the luggage glorifies God and should be treasured and retained.  But, because we are fallen children of Adam, much of our baggage must be jettisoned by the sanctifying grace of God.  And, this is true not just of "hand-me-down" baggage, but also because of suitcases we all pick up along life's journey, as well.  Every generation of believers must examine baggage and cycles using the lens of Scripture to discern what stays and what must go. 

May God give all His redeemed people a strong desire to fight for and live the vision of Romans 8:1, which reminds us "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

Christian husband, lay the baggage down at Jesus' feet.  Do it once, and again and again as you fight for God's glory in your marriage and home. 

Christian wife, beg for grace to break the sin cycles you have both inherited and picked up willingly.  Trash what dishonors your Savior and King.  Do it today, and every day thereafter until you see His face.

Jesus, help us identify and own our baggage.  Show us the sinful cycles we must break in our lives so that we can live each day in the power You give to "walk in the newness of life."  Help us, Holy Spirit, to "put to death the deeds of the body" that we might live as "sons of God."  Thank you, dear Savior, for bearing our filthy luggage on the cross, so that through total trust in You, we might not have to experience your wrath.  Thank You, Father God, for "visiting" our iniquities on Your Holy Son, making Him a curse for us, so that we might receive the blessed promises that only Jesus deserves.  Amen.  

My wife and I distinctly remember the time when we made a conscious decision to stop pursuing more money, more stuff, and a bigger and better lifestyle.  God brought us to that point through a series of events at my work.  At that time, about 8-9 years ago, I worked in materials management and made a real fine living.  But promotions and pay raises never quite seemed to line up with what my boss was telling me I was worth to the company.  After two years of logging 60+ hour weeks for the company, and pitiful pay raises, the Lord made it clear to me that chasing the American Dream was simply futile.

As Solomon put it, I was "chasing the wind."  Indeed, God was teaching me the lesson perhaps most needed in American churches and marriages today:

He who loves money will not be satisfied with money, nor he who loves wealth with his income; this is also vanity (Ecclesiastes 5:10).

For my part, I committed to God to shun workaholism, which is a mere symptom of the love of money or prestige.  No more 60+ hour work weeks.  By His grace, I have kept this commitment (even in full-time ministry) and my life and marriage and family has been immeasurably blessed.  Oh, how I wish more Christian couples would make such a commitment and stop chasing the wind!

Researchers for decades now have been telling us that money tops the list of reasons for divorce.  In my humble experience, divorces within the church fare no better in this category.  Though I realize the comments I am about to make will potentially irritate some people, I have seen enough American Dream Idolatry in the church to convince me we must begin to face this giant with biblical truth, come what may.

Whenever I have spent time with couples in distress, it has become clear to me that an astounding array of marital problems stem from a couples' desire to either increase or sustain a certain lifestyle.  Simply put, they are chasing the American Dream and sacrificing much, even marital harmony and biblical relationships and priorities, on the altar of mammon.  Consider this short list of areas impacted by our philosophy of finances:

• Dual-income households are the norm among most Christian couples, but upon deep scrutiny, it is clear that most couples do not actually need a dual income to live a basic, comfortable life.
• The affect of implementing a disciplined budgeting process in the lives of most Christian couples is often staggering.  It is disturbing how many couples in our churches really do not know where God's money is going week-by-week!
• Christian mothers often lament having to work outside the home, but again, once a budget is in place and decisions to stop pursuing a certain lifestyle are made, it is clear that more mothers could stay home with children.  Or, at minimum more mothers could spend much more time in their homes by working out-of-the-home or p/t.
• Christian husbands often are pushing their wives or "lording it over them" in this matter, insisting they work full-time.  The reasons men are doing this are, again, not so much based in necessity as in want.
• Often the sheer quantity of extra-curricular activities Christian couples feel their children must be involved in add an enormous financial burden.  And, extra financial burdens often lead to marriage woes.
• Educational decisions among Christian parents are also impacted in major ways by the financial situation and the lifestyle priorities chosen.
• I am amazed at how much money parents will spend on Day Care or pre-schools and other such things.  Though I'm no certified financial planner, it hardly seems worth it to me.  We must "count the cost," dear friends.
• Our children are watching and learning, too.  Consider what they ask for, what they dream of, what they most desire, and how they spend money that they earn or are given.  Their financial inclinations mirror ours, dear parents!

All this makes me wonder: Why not drive older cars?  Why not live in older or smaller homes?  Why not eat out less?  Why not take less expensive vacations, or mission-trip vacations?  Why not buy clothes at consignment shops and bargain centers?  Why not cancel the 400-channel TV packages?  Why not buy a cheaper cell-phone service?  The list goes on and on, doesn't it?

My point here is not to tell you every single financial decision to make, or how to spend every dime.  I am simply trying to show that priorities in our lives demonstrate themselves through our money habits.  And, money habits can make or break our marriages and our homes!

If we truly "get" that God owns it all, then faithful stewardship becomes the driving ambition.  Not more wealth or bigger homes.  Not more comfort and ease.  Not more busy activities that keep our families going in different directions.

Faithful stewardship of God's resources for God's glory.  This will of necessity look much different than the typical American family.  This will of necessity require a change of heart, mind and action of us.  Jesus said, "You cannot serve God and money" (Matthew 6:24).  It's black and white.  No middle ground, dear Christians!  Which is it for you?

All those years ago, when I was in pursuit of money and the stuff it could buy, God showed me just how much I resembled the rich fool of Luke 12.  I urge you to read Luke 12:13-20.  Pray over it.  Ask God's Spirit to illuminate the text in your heart and mind.  Pray He will grip you and show you where you may resemble this fool who "had it all" and wanted more.

Oh, God, money can have such a grip on our souls.  In truth, "The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil" (1 Tim 6:10).  Money is destroying us from the foundation (the home) up.  Please, Sovereign Lord, rescue us from this bondage we call "The American Dream."  Release Christian husbands and wives to trust You with every penny, for You own every penny already.  Teach us, Lord Jesus, to be "rich toward God" (Luke 12:21).  For therein is freedom that shall once again put us on a path to Christ-exalting marriages and God-fearing children.  Move in our hearts.  Stir us to love You, not money.  Help us as husbands and wives make decisions regarding working arrangements and finances based on one consuming goal - to honor Christ the King who is more valuable than all the world has to offer.  Amen. 

In the previous post, we covered the first part of the gender roles dilemma.  We turn our attention now to the latter half of the issue - the priority of the home.

Or, should I say the loss of the priority of the home?

In her insightful book on worldview titled Total Truth, Nancy Pearcey chronicles how we came to the place where so little of our lives actually happens in our homes.  It surely has not always been so.  Allow me to attempt a far too brief summary of Pearcey's research.

In older cultures, especially the Jewish one of the Bible, life centered in and around the home.  The family was the basic unit of a local economy, with husbands, wives and children all contributing to the family business.  Dads were in and around the home a lot.  Dads were expected to be the primary teachers of children, especially in religion and history (sounds like Deuteronomy 6 and Psalm 78 to me).  Due to proximity to the home, it was more common for Dads to also be engaged in household chores, child-rearing, and the like.  This by no means implies gender roles were not well understood.  Indeed, each member of the family had a job to perform to contribute to the overall health of the home and the community.  But, in general, the family had to function as a team, and most everything in life found its locus in the home.

This was the model of life in America, too, well into the 19th century.  Pearcey points out how common it was for local economies to be family-based and family-driven.  Furthermore, Dads in America were the primary teachers and trainers of children in those days, especially in matters of religion and business acumen.  While it may shock some readers, Pearcey also asserts that Dads in early America were working out of the home or on the family property, and were thus around children all day and did lots of nurturing activities.  One of the most interesting facts she dug up was that up until the early 1900s, cookbooks were all written and addressed to men!  So, the view we have been harboring of domineering, unloving Puritan Dads is obviously mistaken.

So, what happened?  In a phrase - The Industrial Revolution.  It demanded men now work outside the home to keep the family fed and keep the nation growing.  It left women to do everything around the house and with the children.  Women now were not needed so much as economic contributors.  The natural result of this was to make women feel less valued, and the sin nature in men caused them to "rub it in" if you will.  This set off a series of knee-jerk reactions: women resenting being treated like second-class citizens in their own homes; men all too easily giving up the role as primary religious instructor; women fighting for the right to enter the workforce to regain their sense of value; men trying to dominate them in the workforce via discrimination; women insisting on more-than-equal treatment and fighting to prove they could do anything men could do; men going hog wild to prove their manly distinction from women; women trying then to tame or domesticate those insensitive pigs called men (recall that women were the main instigators of Prohibition).  You see the progression of the dilemma, right?

Remember our previous discussion on the War created by the entrance of sin into this world?  Pearcey is simply tracing how the war begun in Eden progressed through American culture.  And the tragic results of all this on us today?

• Children being raised by day care workers (or family members who are typically too old/tired for that task).
• Children being taught and trained by anyone and everyone other than parents.
• Women struggling to be the spiritual leaders in the home due to workaholic men.
• The absence of men in the church.
• Divorce and remarriage to the Nth degree.
• Fatherlessness.  Single Parenting.
• Virtually all spiritual instruction being left up to the teachers in the church, for an hour each week.
• Virtually all activity of the family residing outside the home (even "family activities" are outside homes today).

The horrific results of the Gender Wars as described so powerfully and convincingly by Peacey are seen and experienced by all of us every single day.  Put simply - we have lost the priority of the home.

It's critical to know where we've been, where we are, and the way forward.  So, what is the way forward?  How do we regain the clear biblical design of the home, where Dads and Moms are working together to invest heavily in their children to raise up godly seed?  Where Dad is respected as the head of the wife and home, even as he submits to the Head of all heads - King Jesus?  Where Moms are treasured and valued and celebrated as not just nurturers, but as co-partners in making the whole family and home a place of great peace and prosperity under Christ's Lordship?  How do we re-capture this biblical vision?  Is it even possible in our economy and culture today?

Yes, it is possible, but admittedly extremely difficult.  It demands we sacrifice the American Dream that is so enthralling us.  It demands we downgrade lifestyles and find our contentment in the Lord Jesus and the joy of just investing in our home lives.  It requires us to perhaps cut out some hobbies, sports, facebooking, TV-watching, and the list goes on.  While we need not eliminate all these things, we must be willing to simplify and streamline our lives in order to spend far greater amounts of time reading and discussing Scripture in our homes.  More time singing and praying and worshipping in our homes.  More time just being together at home (and no, each person texting in a different room does not count).  Break out the Bibles and Checker boards.  Take long walks and share your hearts for God and His glory in creation.  Go visit an elderly neighbor as a family and pray with him/her.  Take your children with you as much and as often as possible in your daily routines.  Fight for God's vision for home, realizing we all need the grace of God in Christ to accomplish anything of spiritual significance or value.

Jesus said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  Our daily lives really do show where our treasure is, don't they?  How we spend our time tells the story of our treasure.  How we spend our money, too.

The issue is not so much that we all need to return to farming the family land (most of us have no land today).  Nor is the issue that women need to stay at home constantly while men stay at work constantly.  No, no!  That is what is causing this war!  Christian friends, the issue has always been and will always be our hearts.

If the Lord makes us willing, and gives us His passion and vision for the priority of our homes, nothing or no one will stop us!  Our families and homes will slowly but surely begin to change, until our neighbors think us somewhat weird while secretly longing to know the fullness of joy we so obviously display.

God help us get back to the priority of home.  Once again "turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of children to their fathers" (Mal 4:6).

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27).

"The the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'" (Genesis 2:18).

So it was in the beginning of creation that God made mankind.  God made two genders or types of mankind, both in His image.  Male (Man) and Female (Woman).  The first man and woman did not get to pick or choose their gender, either, by the way.  The woman was said to be a "helper" to the man, and one that was "suitable" or "fit" for him.  The Hebrew is literally something like "I will make for him a helper that is like different than him."  Like.  Different.  That says it all.

Then, cosmic tragedy struck this first couple.  Adam and Eve decided to grasp at autonomy, to make their own rules, to determine their own right and wrong, to be beholden to no one.  It did not work out as they planned.  Notice what happened when God approached this now fallen sinful couple:

Have you eaten of the tree that I commanded you not to eat?  The man said, "The woman who You gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate" (Genesis 3:11-12).

Passing the buck and blameshifting are sure signs that all is not well with our souls!  This gorgeous woman God made for Adam has now become the enemy it would seem.  Rather than joyfully assume the responsibility of headship (leadership) given to him, Adam finger-points.  Sin has made him a weasel.

But, sin has also made Eve a power-hungry matriarch.  God pronounces judgment on her and tells her "Your desire will be for your husband" (Gen 3:16).  The word "desire" is used again in Genesis 4:6 where sin is said to "desire" Cain, but God tells him he must "rule over it."  The context makes it clear what God means.  Sin will cause Eve to resist Adam's God-ordained headship.  She will weasel and conive now to try and wrest leadership and control from him.  But, in the end, "He shall rule over you" (Gen 3:16).

Clearly, this is now War.  Sin causes men and women to be at war!  Do you see it, dear Christian?  The whole thrust of Genesis 3 is that sin brought war into the world.  The man fights the woman.  The woman fights back.  And the ground even fights against the man.  War.

But, our God is the Ultimate Warrior!  In His goodness and power and love He emphatically declares that He and He alone will have the last word in this great cosmic struggle.  God will win, and He will do so through the promised "seed" of Eve who will crush evil beneath His feet (Gen 3:15).  If there is any doubt in your minds who this "seed" is, read 1 Corinthaisn 15 and Galatians 3.  Jesus is the Victorious Seed of Eve!

Rather than make this post an overly complex analysis of all the gender confusion and spats about who washes the dishes, let's just remember a few critical things that will greatly impact our mariage for good or ill.  Namely . . .

1. Because of sin, our natural tendency is to go to war with our spouses.  The secondary causes (household chores, finances, decision-making) are not what matters most.  Rather, what we must grasp is that we go to war with one another because of our inborn sin, our resident evil (James 4:1-4).
2. Knowing the above, then, we can remind ourselves that Jesus came "to destroy the works of the devil" (1 John 3:8).  The salvation of Christ gives us a new life and a new power to fight back against the sin making war in us (Rom 6; Col 3).  So, rather than seek "gender therapy" or receive counseling on who should vacuum the floor, we really need to learn to preach the gospel to ourselves!  Jesus is our peace, dear husbands and wives (John 14:27; 16:33).

So, rather than fuss and fight about the finer points in daily living, what we must recover is a Christ-entranced vision of marriage, to borrow a phrase from John Piper.  God ordained men as heads of wives and children.  God ordained women to be helpers to rule and subdue the creation alongside men.  God did all this not to make a statement about male or female superiority.  No, those arguments are products of our sin!  Rather, God did it this way to mirror Himself in His Triune Nature.

God the Father sends God the Son to redeem a sinful people by dying on the cross and bearing the Divine wrath they justly earned.  The Father sends.  The Son goes willingly and never does anything other than submit fully to the Father's plan, even though it kills Him (Phil 2:1-11).  The Son dies for His people, and rises again to prove once for all He is the promised Seed-Warrior-Savior-King of the Bible!  Then, the Son ascends back to the Father, and the Holy Spirit is sent on behalf of the Father and Son.  And the Spirit is no rogue!  No, He too submits fully to the Divine plan to glorify the Son who is the Redeemer, even going so far as to "not speak of Himself" and to do the "dirty work," if you please, of ripping out our crusty sinful hearts and giving us a new heart of repentance and faith (John 3; 14-16).

No war at all between Father, Son and Spirit.  No bickering about who does what.  No whining about Son being inferior to Father, and Spirit being the least important.  Only perfect union.  Only perfect headship.  Only perfect submission.

This is why God created marriage!  This is exactly what Paul says God is up to in male headship and female submission (Ephesians 5:22-33).  In Christian marriage, God is putting Himself on display, especially as He is seen through the love relationship of Jesus and His church.

Men, our headship is only good in so far as it looks like Jesus' headship!  If you are making every decision autonomously and not seeking your wife's input, or are treating her like a child (sit down and shut up and I'll rattle your cage if I want your opinion), then you are not being a true head at all.  Rather, your are dishonoring your Head, the Lord Christ, and your prayer life is sure to stink, too (see 1 Peter 3:7).  If you are not celebrating your wife's gifts and exhorting her to use them to better your home/family and marriage, then you are not mirroring Christ.  A practical example may be a wife who excels at financial management.  In that case, it would actually be poor headship for a husband to insist on balancing the checkbook even though he stinks at it!

Women, if you are calling mama behind your husband's back every time he does something that does not suit you, then you are not reflecting the submission of Christ.  If you share all your husband's weaknesses with your best friend, or secretly "do your own thing" while he's away at work, rather than joyfully giving yourself to the goals and direction He has set for your home (assuming they are biblical), then you mirror not Christ or the Spirit.  You submit in word only, but not in deed or from the heart.

Changing diapers is not a "feminine" task, nor is taking out the garbage a "masculine" task.  This kind of thinking originates in our warlike sinful selves.  Household chores and bread-winning is not primarily the point.  The point is the glory of God!  The nuances of gender roles in Christian marriages may take on various forms.  Each couple must work these things out within the context of their own marriages and life situations, and do it in a way that images God and obeys His Word.  This is not to blur the clear lines between the female and male, but rather to encourage freedom in Christ for couples to celebrate both their similarities and differences.  Remember, God made us "like different."  This brings Him glory and pleasure, so why does it not do the same for us?!

Male headship and female submission must both image Jesus Christ to a lost and dying world.  I know of nothing that has more potential to picture the gospel on a daily basis than a husband and wife just embracing their God-given roles with the joy of Jesus in their hearts.  So, cling to Jesus today and make peace, not war.              

So far, we've explored two of the "Big Seven" issues that can make or break Christian marriages.  First, we learned that when it comes to the source of all our marital discord, "the heart of the matter is the heart."  It's the sin in our own hearts (inner lives) that plagues our relationships.  So, dear husbands and wives, you do well to focus more upon your own hearts, than to exert most of your energies griping and finger-pointing at all your spouse's weaknesses and sins.  If we cannot even change our own hearts apart from God's grace, why in the world would we spend so much time trying to change someone else's heart?  We must all, as sinners saved by grace through faith in Christ, be actively removing the logs in our own eyes before we dare to try and help our spouses scrape out the specks in their eyes (Matt 7:1-6).  We must all see ourselves as "the chief of sinners" in our marriages.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!  Try me and know my thoughts!  And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23-24).

Notice David did not say, "O Lord, see if there is any wicked way in my wife."  The attitude of David will take us far in doing marriage God's way.

Second, we learned to found and ground our love for our spouses in the only Source of True Love - God as revealed in Jesus Christ.  Love in the Bible is fixed.  The Bible does not define true "love" in different ways.  Rather, it states unequivocally that God is love, and that He has displayed True Love in and through the Person and Work of His Son, Jesus, who bled and died for spiritually still-born rebels.  The way we express true love may differ (for example I show my daughters love in different ways than I show my wife love).  But, make no mistake, the essence of love is fixed.  Therefore, just as Jesus does not consider divorce an option for His bride, neither should we.  I exhort couples routinely to remove divorce from the table in their marriages.  It truly is one of the most powerful things you can do to establish and maintain a marriage based on True Love.  After all, if divorce is not an option, something else must change - namely, me!

All this brings us nicely to our third issue - forgiveness.  I find the lack of understanding among Christians concerning this most essential gospel teaching to be greatly disturbing.  So, let me try and summarize the basics concerning biblical forgiveness, noting that I am indebted to my seminary counseling professor, Dr. Stuart Scott, for many of these insights:

• Forgiveness in the Bible, particularly in the New Testament, is viewed in two ways.  One, there is the heart attitude of forgiveness.  This type of forgiveness deals with our own hearts, and bids us release the offender to the sovereign hand of God.  This forgiveness says, "I will not hold this sin against you, nor will I allow your sin to make me bitter, or to make me harbor anger towards God or you.  I will guard my own heart before God and release you to Him."  We can do this kind of forgiveness without ever telling the offender and without the offender ever repenting and asking for our forgiveness.  [Indeed it's not really recommended to tell the person you've forgiven them in this sense if they've never repented, because it makes them think they're now "off the hook" in the repentance department.]
• Followers of Christ are absolutely obligated and commanded to give this kind of forgiveness, whether or not the offender ever repents.  If we do not forgive from our hearts, releasing the person to God and refusing to allow bitterness to control us, then Jesus plainly states we are none of His (Matt 6:14-15).
• The second way forgiveness is presented in the NT is a pardoning transaction that reconciles the offended and the offender.  The first type of forgiveness deals with our own heart attitudes, but this type deals with an actual transaction whereby the two people or parties are brought together again on friendly terms.  This requires repentance on the part of the offender.  This is clearly the type of forgiveness Jesus had in mind in passages like Matthew 18:21-22 and Luke 17:1-4.  This is also the forgiveness God extends to us when we repent and turn to Jesus in faith (Mark 1:15).  O blessed reconciliation wrought for us by the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross (Rom 5:6-11).  We were God's enemies, but His grace has brought us near Him (Eph 2:11-22).  Praise God!  He forgives repentant sinners!

The crux of the matter is best captured in the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matt 18:23-35).  Without belaboring the point, we may easily summarize the truth in this way: "The Forgiven Forgive!"  An unforgiving spirit or an outright withholding of forgiveness in the face of obvious repentance are sure signs that genuine salvation in Christ has simply not taken root in your heart.

Just as we are called to love as Jesus loves, so too we are commanded to "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph 4:32).  That's a verse we recite many times a week in our house!

A pattern is emerging, isn't it?  Marriage is not ultimately about us and our happiness and our self-serving wants.  Marriage is about showing off Jesus Christ!  His love and forgiveness are to be on display in us.  So, whether the sin is seemingly "small" in our eyes, or a "biggie" like adultery, the command of God is the same - forgive!

May God help us be quick to forgive in attitude, and eager to reconcile upon repentance.  May God give us humble hearts that quickly repent and seek forgiveness from Him and our spouses.  May He do it to show off His own love and forgiveness in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So, if Jesus forgave you like you are forgiving your spouse, what would that mean for you?     

For what reason will Christ divorce His bride, the church for whom He died?

For I am persuaded that neither life nor death, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).

Now, hear these words of Jesus to His followers: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you are to also love one another" (John 13:34).

The direct implications of these verses for Christian marriage are inescapable, aren't they?

Nothing would put a bigger dent in the "Christian divorce" rate than for husbands and wives to really "get" true love down deep in their souls, and let it permeate every fiber of their being.  You see, love is not some out of control train that runs over your emotions and renders you unable to "help yourself."  Neither is love a pit that you fall into and thus can claw your way out.  Sex is not love.  Emotion is not love.  Strong compassion is not the sum of love.

God is love . . . In this is love, not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another" (1 John 4:8-11).

God is the source of love and His character is its very definition.  As John Stott put it, "All God's activity is loving."  Love is not just another thing added to God's traits.  No, God is love.  Love is woven into the very fiber of His eternal being.

And God calls and enables those He has saved to demonstrate this very same love!  The love of the Father who was pleased to pour out all His holy anger against sin on His Son, Jesus (Isaiah 53:10).  The love of the Son "who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross" (Hebrews 12:2).  This Divine love penetrates all sin, and embraces spiritual lepers and prostitutes.

But God demonstrates His own love toward us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8).

If God is the very definition of love; and if that love is seen most perfectly in the offering of Jesus the Son for filthy, unworthy sinners and rebels, then Christian husbands and wives must trash all other opinions, ideas and definitions of love that do not measure up!  God loves His people with an "everlasting love."  God never divorces His love from His commitment (Deut 7:6-11).  The Bible is nothing if not a grand narrative on the true God who makes and keeps covenants with sinful people!

Our culture has convinced us we can somehow keep loving someone apart from a determined commitment to them.  Indeed, this is really the essence of a divorce, is it not?  But God does not love that way, and God is love.

The definition I have adopted based upon my study of true, biblical love is this: "Love is a settled act of the will that always causes one to sacrificially act for God's glory and the good of the beloved."

This is not to say emotion is never involved in love.  It surely is.  This is not to say physical intimacy is not part of love.  It surely is (within the confines of marriage only, else it dishonors the One who is love).  And communicating is part of love, and sharing life, and struggling together, and so on.  But none of these things alone is the sum of love.  God is love.  And we as His people, those on whom He has chosen to set His love, are called to love like Him, and to root and ground our view of love on nothing other than the cross.

People who have this view of love deep in their hearts will not lay down ultimatums.  "Straighten up and do what I want or else I quit."  (Ultimatums only serve to create a phony situation, anyway, because they force someone to be on best behavior.  But nobody is on best behavior 24/7.)  True love does not say "You fill my love bank and I'll fill yours."  Nor does it try and make one's "Love Language" the final arbiter of what love really is.  Jesus said these types of love were just versions of pagan self-love (Matt 5:43-48; Luke 6:32-36).

So, for what reason would Jesus divorce His beloved bride?

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends" (1 Corinthains 13:4-8).

Just before Jesus took a towel and began washing His disciples' feet (the job of the lowest slave in that culture), we read these words: "Jesus knew that His hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end" (John 13:1).

Christian husbands and wives, we are called to something far higher than phony love.  Love in Christian marriage is all about Jesus' glory in the way He loves His own (Eph 5:22-33).  Jesus never quits on His bride.  His love penetrates all our selfishness, all our greed, all our unloveliness, all our adultery, all our diseases, and even all our faulty views of love!

Several years ago I saw a documentary on the arranged marriages of India.  While I do not advocate we embrace this way of making marriages, I was struck by what one Indian man said.  He quipped when asked how the divorce rate was so low in India, "In America, you try and find the one you love then marry her.  In India, we love the one we marry."

Ironic, isn't it, that a non-Christian culture has a far more biblical view of love than our so-called "Christian America?"

So, what if Jesus loved you the way you are loving your spouse?

The first of the "Big Seven" issues that contribute either to marital bliss or discord concerns the Doctrine of Sin.  Since I have dealt with this doctrine pretty thoroughly in past posts, let me just summarize here:

The Doctrine of Sin rests on a concept known in theological parlance as Total Depravity.  By this we do not mean that every person is as wicked as he or she possibly could be.  That would be a horrific world in which to live!  Rather, total depravity simple refers to the Bible's teaching that since sin entered the human race by Adam's fall, humans have been rendered slaves to sin's domination.  That is, sin resides within us, in our natures, and impacts every single part of us.  Sin is ever-present with us, and its power over us is far too strong for us to defeat or even fight in our own strength.  When Adam sinned, mankind lost freedom to serve God without the taint of sin.  We literally, in our lost, spiritually dead condition, cannot not sin (bad grammar, but biblically true).  If you need to brush up on what God says about sin and its devastating effects on all of us, review Genesis 6:5; Psalm 51:5; 130:3; Isaiah 59:1-8; Jeremiah 13:23; 17:9; Mark 7; Romans 3:1-23.

When Jesus saves us, He begins to restore that measure of freedom we lost in Adam.  The Holy Spirit's power in our lives begins to enable us to fight the sinful desires and serve and obey the Lord.  This process of Spirit-fueled growth in holiness is called Sanctification.  In this life, though, even for the saved, sin's presence and power remains (see Romans 7; 1 John 1:7-10).  Sanctification will not be fully completed until Jesus gives His followers their glorified resurrected bodies (1 Cor 15:42-58).  Until then, there's a war within Christians, and thank God He gives us power to be a warrior against the enslaving power of sin (Gal 5; Col 3).

So, what does all this have to do with marriage?  Well, lots.  Knowing that even as Christians there remains a "beast within" called sin should change everything about how we view ourselves and our spouses.  The believer in Christ is called and enabled by grace to fight and mortify sinful desires daily, and to pursue Christ-likeness (Rom 8; Eph 4; Col 3).  When I teach on this topic, I like to summarize the principles of so many biblical texts aimed at exhorting Christians to "walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh" with these words:

DO NOT FEED THE BEAST!

Knowing that sin's presence and power are still very real ought to spur us as husbands and wives to exercise extreme care with certain areas of our lives.  Let me point out two main areas where we must apply this principle to married life:

1. Technology.  Email, Facebook, the internet, cell phones, and texting are all morally neutral.  They can and should be used for God's glory.  But the beast within us will abuse God's good gifts and pervert them every single time if given half a chance.  Thus, the proliferation of internet porn and sexting.  But friends, let's get real.  There are way too many flirtatious texts, emails and FB messages flying around - sent by married Christians to someone other than their spouses.  Do you flirt subtly in these ways?  Do you receive flirtatious messages without "unfriending" or rebuking the obviously harmful influence?  What do you do on the internet when all alone?  Please hear God's Word in this matter - stop toying around with sin (Mark 9:42-50).  There is only one way for a Christian to handle sin in his life - kill it (Rom 8:12-13), then cling to Christ.  Install Covenant Eyes internet and email filters.  Make sure your spouse is your FB friend and sees everything you do.  Aggressively invite true Christian accountability into your lives and marriages.  Technology is killing far too many marriages today simply because believers are feeding the beast within.  God give us grace to starve the beast out, even if it means going without technology.
2. Medications.  Pastors are so afraid to touch on this subject, but we are going to have to face the music - American Christians are over-medicated.  Now, I am not a doctor, and cannot tell anyone to stop taking prescribed meds.  But, as a pastor and Bible believer, I can and must tell you to exercise extreme caution with meds.  Avoid them if at all possible.  Minimize them.  Assess your reliance upon them routinely.  Own up to any dependency or addictions you see arising, and get help.  I realize medicine is also a gift of God, but like all other gifts, it can and will be abused by sinners.  The reason I am cautioning you so sternly is obvious, isn't it?  All medicine has side effects, not to mention its primary intended effects.  Some side effects of meds, especially psychiatric drugs, can and will deeply impact your marriage and friendships and all other relations!  The Bible does not paint humans as made up of separate "compartments," but as a unity of body, soul, spirit, mind, emotion, etc.  What impacts one area is bound to spill over into others.  Our sin nature makes us moody enough as it is, dear friends.  Adding meds to the mix far too often simply "feeds the beast."  And, our closest loved ones pay the price.  So, in my own life, I have determined that so long as possible, and with God's empowering grace, I will only use meds sparingly, and when absolutely needed to treat a specific symptom for a specific time period.  Again, I realize there are notable exceptions, but I am speaking in generalities.  Please use extreme caution when taking meds.  Experienced biblical counselors often say the root cause of many psycho-somatic or physical ailments is sin that lurks deep and has not been dealt with by repentance and faith in God's Word.  They have good reason to say such a thing.  Saul's mental and physical woes clearly had spiritual dimensions (1 Sam 16, 19).  Paul also said illness and death was happening in the Church at Corinth due to sin (1 Cor 11:30).  I know this is not always the case (John 9), but it sometimes is the case.  This knowledge from God's Word ought to give all of us pause when considering meds.

So, dear Christians, study long and hard what the Bible says about sin's power and presence.  Determine by God's Spirit and Word to put sin to death in your hearts, and "avoid any appearance of evil" (1 Thess 5:22).  Remember Christ is your wisdom and righteousness and sanctification (1 Cor 1:30).  May sin not find a warm welcome in your lives or marriages, and when it does rear its ugly head, may you confess and repent quickly and press on with renewed loyalty and love for Jesus, the spotless sin-bearer. 

Ultimately, it is sin that destroys marriages and tears apart what God joins to be one.  Oneness cannot be ripped apart without violence, and hurt, and suffering, and pain.  These all result from sin.  Please, dear brothers and sisters, "DO NOT FEED THE BEAST."

Having just completed the book Marriage Matters by Winston Smith, the married life has been on my mind lately.  As a pastor, one of the primary tasks God has given me is helping couples cultivate strong marriages.  I have found it to be rewarding, exhausting, and heart-breaking all at once.  For every victory in Christian marriages today, there seems to be a defeat, too.  Simply put, we do not seem to be taking back much ground from the enemy when it comes to marriage in the church today.

But why?  Though hundreds of books have been written attempting to answer this dilemma, I want to add my ten cents.  I do this not as an expert, but as a pastor who has seen enough marriage woes already to last me a lifetime.  I do not have vast experience in marriage counseling, but I have seen enough to make some critical observations.  And, I have spent countless hours searching and studying the Scriptures for marriage answers.  In the end, what is most needed in Christian marriages today is a deeper grasp of the gospel of grace, and a deeper enthrallment with the love of God in Christ. 

That said, in this ongoing series of posts, I want to tackle what I see as the big areas of concern for Christian marriage today.  These things are our arch nemeses, you might say, when it comes to doing marriage God's way for God's glory.  Here they are in the order in which I shall adress them:

1. The Matter of the Heart / The Doctrine of Sin.
2. Gospel Love v. All Other So-Called Christian Versions of Love.
3. Gospel Forgiveness.
4. Gender Roles & The Priority of Home.
5. Money / Working Arrangements.
6. Family History / Baggage.
7. The Grandiose Purpose of God for Marriage.

So, there they are - what I call "The Big Seven."  Every Christian marriage must deal with these things.  Every Christian couple must struggle in the Scriptures to understand and embrace God's design in these matters.  There is no escaping them, and I think we shall see that these seven issues form an interconnected web.  They all interface and inform and impact the other, for good or ill.

Paul wrote to the Church at Corinth with a heart that "we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs" (2 Cor 2:11).  These "Big Seven" are surely part of Satan's designs or schemes to shipwreck our marriages today.  Let's not be ignorant of them!

When marriages go south and begin to fail, one or more of these seven areas is out of whack, out of line with God's Word, out of tune with God's Spirit.  When one or more of these things jumps the track of Scripture in a couple's relationship, a "bad moon's on the rise."  It's getting out of sorts in one of these areas that puts a Christian couple in a vicious cycle of insanity that far too often leads to despair and the desire to just give up the fight.

I hope you will read each entry in this series and be given hope to keep up the fight for your marriages!  If you're in a marriage that's struggling, or in a marriage that's wonderful right now, I believe you will benefit and be challenged by each post in this series.  I am praying for God to use this simple preacher's words to do the deep heart-work that belongs solely to the realm of His Sovereign Spirit.

God rescue our marriages from the clutches of lies, in whatever form and from whatever sources they may come.  Please do it for the sake of Jesus and His witness to our children and our neighbors, who are desparately crying out to see a real-world model, example and vision of the very real power and grace of God in Christ.  Amen. 

I'll begin tomorrow with "The Matter of the Heart."  Hope you'll join me.